Crazy?

Here's a good song with a nice quote...

GODDAMN YOU!!
Haven't let you in 'cause I'm in you
Haven't let you in 'cause I'm in you
Must have been a bitch, must have been a pain
Take me off the "innocent"
Put me in your vein!

IT'S IMPROBABLE
IT'S IMPROBABLE

Haven't said a word 'cause you're still on
Haven't said a word 'cause you're still on
Mustn't take offense, mustn't take a bow
Used to be a derelict
Now I have to live with it!

IT'S IMPROBABLE
IT'S IMPROBABLE
IT'S IMPROBABLE
YOU CAME BACK, BUT I KNOW BETTER, BOY

Trip my light fantastic
Rub me in your wound
I'm not broken, I'm not plastic
I'm no whore...
Used against me - use me up again

IT'S IMPROBABLE
IT'S IMPROBABLE
IT'S IMPROBABLE
YOU CAME BACK BUT I KNOW BETTER, BOY

(sometimes I think I'm crazy; other times I know I'm not)

Got no time to time to time (once again)

You don't want me, you don't need me!


The line I like is: "somtimes I think I'm crazy; other times I know i'm not"

this blog came about from a nice e-mail I wrote.

Looking back on my blogging, email, and myspace comment habits, I see I do alot more sending than recieving. No complaints from me. An unanswered e-mail is like a personal blog.

Not only that, but it's like talking to a wall. Some people can do such things. I know of none that can do that, and appear sane at the same time. After much deliberation, and a test of my creativity, I try an experiment.

This is much like my experiment to daze off, and have a wonderful time skipping experience. I stare at a nice friendly wall. Not the scary ones with power outlets. I have urges to stick things in power outlets...

So I stare at this wall, and strike up a conversation. Of course, it's a bit one sided, but I don't think the wall minds much. It's all nice and friendly. Before long, I'm way past the small talk and telling stories and such. It's at this point that I get a bit worried.

The personification of a wall should be enough to scare most. The fact that I found it enjoyable to talk to an inanimate object was even more frightening. The magnitude of subjects covered almost drove me to euphoria. Of course, this nice wall finally fell down on me.

Crushed me with the truth. I'm talking to a freaking wall. I don't expect a reply, and yet I ask questions, but go on with no reply. I didn't even make up a reply so as to be talking to myself. I just let it go.

Is this healthy? Probably not, but it was only an experiment. One I don't plan on repeating. The results will be the same, and I don't need to be caught talking to a wall. Those walls can be tricky. Full of traps and danger. Besides, they're all the same. Hard and cold heartless bastards.

Well, thats where that story ends. Take it from me, there's nothing to be gained from talking to a wall. All they do is hurt your feelings...

Time lapse...

Have many of you had this happen? You sit down, or stop for a few seconds of thought, and come to much much later? I wish I knew what I was on. Sounds like it'd be fun, and I'm sure I could make a buck or two.

Anytime I think of selling, the System of A Down song called "She's Like Heroin". A bit off my story though. I'm thinking about these time lapses, and allot of wonder comes to mind. Am I even thinking, or do I have a problem?

The whole problem gets me a bit worried. Time lapses usually indicate some kind of mental health problem, or even cancer. I go off into thought about what kind of mental problems it could be, and even the types of cancer.

I'm not a big medical person, so that's relatively short lived. Long enough for 5 minutes to go by without me noticing. Huh, I must be thinking pretty hard then. I wonder if I can do this on command...

Think brain think...
..
..
.
.


For what seems like forever, nothing happens. Sadly, only 30 seconds go by. So that didn't work out to well. How can you think on command? Usually you need some kind of stimulus, or at least a reason. Thinking to think just cut it.

It's like thinking about thinking about doing something. You know it'll never happen. That's the procrastinators excuse. I was thinking about thinking about it getting done. Sounds nice, but sadly no actions will ever come. Back on the thinking thing. What about I pretend to study...

Study...
.

This one really seems to take forever, but it's only like 10 seconds. Okay, I don't quite have the study thing down. Actually, do I even know how to study? I can read for days with no sleep, even the driest of dry computer manuals. Don't even need a picture to wash it all down with. Just some lines of code will do. Ah, more text. Words on top of words, page after page.

And I just got a great startle shaking me out of my thinking and typing trance. My cd ejected into my arm. Got my pulse going. Thanks little plastic and lead laptop. Almost gave me a heart attack. That'd be the way to go. Weak heart, got scared of his laptop. Finished him off.

Continuing where I left off, wanting to think about something can be hard at times. Especially when your trying to track how long it takes. Seems like the time slows down. And that provokes a great thought.

Mentally altering time... Not really, but altering our perception of time.. Isn't that like a speed boost of the brain, or maybe a reduction in speed? I know adrenaline can do that. Speed up your reactions, thoughts and nerves to near superhuman speeds. Adrenaline from thought?

Ha, even the dorkiest of us wouldn't think that. I once read this book called Society Of Mind. Minsky compares the human mind to a computer program. Somehow I don't think he's too far off. The busier we become, the less we notice other things. Just like a processor, the higher the task priority, the less it's interrupted, and can even lock up stuck in a loop or just pushing too many electrons as 1's and 0's through.

Maybe that's what happens to me. I get stuck in a loop. 7 plus 9...

7+9
9+7
9 7
9 7
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
What was I thinking about? Ah, that's right, 7+9
and it starts over again.
And over again.
And again.
Driving me mad I can't get this simple problem. A problem becoming increasingly hard from frustration. Soon I'm off in my trance again...
7+9

16. Okay, got it. lucky that wasn't 7+6...
Damn.
I'm not even going there.
7+6
...
Calculator comes out, and it's 13.
Feeling much better than I'm not mentally ill, I have a different problem now. How can I be so bad at math? That problem quickly goes away from my excitement of discovering people can get stuck in loops. If it happens to the best (me), it happens to everyone.

And that's all to that story. True in some areas, a bit exaggerated in others. I'll let you decide, just don't get stuck on it...

Walking in others shoes...

This one takes a bit of imagination to pull off, but none the less, it has been visioned by me. A little back ground story first.

I pretty much fix radios. That’s as good of a summary as I can get. Even back before this job, I've been tearing into anything electronic just to see the same thing over and over. A couple of circuit cards. Still, something about the arrangement of resistors, capacitors and the ever increasing integrated circuit had me fascinated. Now usually I can't even really look at anything electronic and get the same wonder most have of what's inside that tv.

I say usually because I still take things apart for no reason. And on some situations I take the more imaginative approach to things. Not really a trip like most of my mental wanderings.

We've got this poor radio just gutted and flayed out on our workbench. Little electronic bits are everywhere. I thought no surprise could be found, but our talk got a bit on the fun side.

Making a joke about the illusive flux capacitor, or that poor electron that just got lost. Maybe even stuck in a transistor trap of doom. We talked on these electronically humorous subjects for a few moments but nothing serious yet.

A phone call was made, and the humor inducing co-worker was off on another task. So here I am, looking at this demystified radio. Out of nowhere I get a hit of inspiration and imagination.

I think, what would it be like to be an electron? Once again, I get flashbacks to an old movie. I see an old scene from Hackers, the part where the data is supposedly zipping around in the main frame computers. It's entertaining, but not quite realistic.

Somehow Tron also came to mind. I've never seen the movie, and my only knowledge of it are the brief commercials, reviews, and reports on the cult it made in it's time. None of these are too great and nothing special to write about.

It's what came next. A simple comparison. I started thinking of exactly what electrons do. They just pushed and pulled. Follow a set path and travel through doors that open or close with no real warning. A bit scary.

Sadly, these poor scared electrons have a short life. Maybe if you live at the speed of light, it wouldn't seem all that long. They just go zipping around, occasionally meeting some resistance. Give off a bit of heat. Too much resistance, or too much heat, and like that, the electron is gone.

Sounding a bit familiar, I then go on to compare our lives with that of electrons. Not much to compare here. We both are able live in large numbers in compact area, are known to stand in long lines for hours. Give off heat, and too much resistance is deadly for both. Of course we have to make our own decisions.

No way would I have those crazy doors shutting on me with no warning. It's almost like all automatic doors, you can never quite trust them. Elevator doors are the worst. I'm sure we've all seen the scenes from Final Destination 2...

At the gruesome elevator imagery, I slowly come out of my deep thinking mode, and am once more left in the real world. How much time has passed on? Only a few minutes. My partner is now off the phone and ready to reassemble this dead looking radio.

All in all, the timing couldn't have been better. I finish my radical thinking, he gets off the phone, and no one felt like they were waiting around.

And that’s it for today’s installment of my imaginative imagery. I tried including paragraphs, but they were never my strong point, and other than spell checking, I leave this unedited. Keep it real, and use the grammar as poetic license.

A bit of something new...

First off, an intro. Where I'm coming from for this blog. I've been lacking all motivation for everything, and really don't care much about anything. Depression? Maybe, but you know, I really don't care if it is. I'm somewhat happier now that I've been in a great while. I just started this blog for some short stories, maybe a bit of my imaginative day dreams written out. So here goes the first one.

Or maybe not. I've lost all imagination. This has the look of being more of a rambling less aimed blog. Too bad I live for the fantasy. Or maybe I live in a fantasy. Whatever, the song by 30 Seconds To Mars is great.

With the lights out it's a little less dangerous
Even with a stranger never gets painless
Don't be afraid (afraid, afraid)

Every time I think I'm gonna change it (think I'm gonna change
it, think I'm gonna change it)
It's driving me (driving me) insane (insane)
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)

Do you live, do you die, do you bleed
For the fantasy
In your mind, through your eyes, do you see
It's the fantasy

Maybe tonight we can forget about it all
It could be just like heaven
I am a machine
No longer living, just a shell of what I dreamed
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)

Do you live, do you die, do you bleed
For the fantasy
In your mind, through your eyes, do you see
It's the fantasy

Say it, say it, say what you believe
Say it, say it, say it to me

Do you live, do you die, do you bleed
For the fantasy
Automatic, I imagine, I believe

Do you live
Do you die
Do you bleed
For the fantasy

Do you live, do you die, do you bleed
For the fantasy
In your mind, through your eyes, do you see
It's the fantasy
Automatic, I imagine, I believe
Automatic, I imagine, I believe

Say it, say it, say what you believe
(Automatic, I imagine, I believe)
Say it, say it, say it to me
(Automatic, I imagine, I believe)
Say it, say it, say what you believe
(Automatic, I imagine, I believe)
Say it, say it, say it to me
Automatic, I imagine, I believe
I believe, I believe, I believe


So the other day I was walking down the hall. Some crazy business was going on with the walls. You know, kind of there, but not really. I'm staring at this obscenity to the purpose of the standard wall for quite some time. I'm thinking, don't touch it. That’s when all the bad shit happens. Don't touch it, you'll be sucked into another world. I then got some bad flashbacks of the Super Mario brothers movie. Almost gave me a day mare, or scared me to death, what ever works better. So I stare at it a bit more, and I think of the matrix. Man that would be cool if I was the one. Just almost die from this watery silver mirror like substance, and I could be flying and stopping bullets. Take on superman and even the evil Man. At the thought of the man, I get the Hooker With A Penis song by Tool stuck in my head. That whole thought goes all over the place. Mainly back to the crazy wall, and the fact that no one has passed by me in what seems to be hours. Maybe it's just been seconds, and I've some kind of crack induced adrenaline. I don't know and don't care at this point. What I want is to be the greatest musician ever, and rock the world with all my glory. Some how this wall will do it. I take a step forward, and there go the thoughts again. You know what happens when the idiot in the movies investigate that crazy sound, enter the creepy house, or hell, do the whole candy man thing in the mirror. Man, does that musical ability sound good right now. In fact, the wall is shimmering more like musical notes. Not the written kind, but like I can see sound waves and read the music from the air. That was the winner right there. I don't even have to listen to get the effect of music. So I jump right on through. Sadly, nothing happens because I realize I was day dreaming staring at a wall somewhere. Now I'm sure hours have passed, but no one has interrupted my pleasant fantasy or even blocked my view. Who knows, maybe I just have hallucinations for no reason. I'll never know how much has passed, and why no one happened to come across me in this euphoric state. I'm back on my way to my shop, and I start thinking again. Maybe I was already in that fantasy world, living the derived fantasy of being the man who can read sound waves, and makes music that’s like ecstasy to the ears. Damn it, I was already in that world, and now I've jumped right back into this realistic one where I have much work to do, and no chance of playing a decent musical note on any kind of an instrument. I'm entering my shop, and the drudgery of electronics creep back into my previously over active brain bringing me back down to earth harder than anything I can imagine. Well now, that wasn't so bad. Started off slow, and ended up with a great story all imagined by me. Did I really stare at the wall? I might have. I don't always remember where I go or what I do. All this from a constant daze. This is the result of a brain firing on all 9 pistons...